Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
You Might Also Like
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
when nothing goes right… go left
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign