Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.