To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
That’s easy for you to say
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.