Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol