bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.