wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Every. Damn. Time.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
#Caturday
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers