I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678