No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.