It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
😅🤣😂
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep