To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.