“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.