Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.