If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.