It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You Might Also Like
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.