Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’m giving up ice.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.