Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.