I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”