No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.