WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready