I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.