GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The game has officially changed 😎
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today