Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Happy Friday
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?