I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.