uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.