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If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
sleeping beauty
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Who does Amazon think I am?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.