Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Who says great literature is dead?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*