I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Sharon I have some bad news
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist