You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?