Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
How all things should be taught/explained.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?