honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
sin harder.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.