THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Cardio Made Easy
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Important
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”