*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable