This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.