just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?