me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out