[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.