A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive