Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint