The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
you have three unread messages
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.