Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Perfection.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?