Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Breaking news:
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.