I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My ideal weight is five million dollars
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Bruh PLEASE
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
2005 Single
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2012 Single
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2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—