When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening