Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*