Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
A wise man once said nothing.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me trying to “trust the process”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke