When you’re here for the treats.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits