It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no