By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
True freaking story!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.