I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You Might Also Like
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Goat cheese is for herders.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.