Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
every single time
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.